This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
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Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
Brands during Pride
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
I had to dig my first 3ft hole with a shovel that took hours just to plant a tree so I can indeed confirm I would never be able to bury a body.
men: i like the natural no makeup look
me: that natural look took more makeup than bozo the clown
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.