I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
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My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
incredible book dedication
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.