Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
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“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
I discovered my knee feels better if I take stairs at an angle. But now every time I walk down I have to sing Puttin’ on the Ritz.
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
new shirt idea
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”