Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
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I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
NOT all policemen are strippers.
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead