Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
North and South
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.