Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
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If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
My therapist after every session
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
But is it really??
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done