So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
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Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy