I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
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I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.