TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
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My son said if a baby comes out feet first technically it wears its mom as a hat and I can’t unsee this.
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.