God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
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I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
Me: …
Dog: …
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Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*