I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
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There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
Favourite diary entry ever
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?