“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
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[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”