Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
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I want to meet the individual who made this
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
anyone else like Italian cereal
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy