Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
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Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.