Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
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[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
medusa but her hair is an anaconda