Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
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ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
Beware of fowl play.
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.