Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
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I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
my name if I was in the mob
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.