Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
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Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
Stonehinge
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*