Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
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You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
They’re really bad with fonts.
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
me when I see my crush
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.