Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
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I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.