*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
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SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
Penguins walking in 5x speed
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.