[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
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I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
be careful
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
Isn’t
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.