The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
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My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’