I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
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[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
sitting on the middle seat of this flight and both my seatmates are reading my book over my shoulder, should i just start reading it aloud
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…