The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
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Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”