[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
You Might Also Like
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
some things should go without saying
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.