not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
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me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
awkward
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”