r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
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The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.