Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
You Might Also Like
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
A friend sent me this.
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.