ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
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I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
Lmao
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps