Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
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I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.