“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
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The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.