[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
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Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.