Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
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My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
accurate
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.