“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
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“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.