How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
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Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
socratic questions
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN