Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
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My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.