i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
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We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”