Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
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Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
Punctuation Matters. Period.
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Barbie gone wild
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.