19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
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Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
The secret to work life balance is generational wealth
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Do not go gentle into that good night,
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..