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The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
this could fix me
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me