Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
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Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.