I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
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saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
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Expectations vs. Reality
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.