Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
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sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
This is no longer winter this is harassment
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
“Why you watching this shit?”
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
never forget
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?