I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
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Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
meow
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!