I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
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What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
We all have our pet causes.
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
Welcome to the stomach
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
Its true…
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”