*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
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body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.