Current mood: Potato
You Might Also Like
Self-cleaning conscience
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
*serious situation*
My brain:
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy