roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
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Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
“Where are the new books?”
“On these shelves over here.”
“No, where are the books that are actually new?”
“…These shelves?”
“No, that’s wrong. There’s a book on there that was also there last week. Would you call that new?”
“I mean, they’re not avocados, it’s still good.”
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.