Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
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They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
Breaking news:
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
Google Pay be like:
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*